I can’t believe how much my life is about to change. In just four days my father will walk me down the aisle in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin at an outdoor wedding. For the longest time this didn’t seem possible for me.
My innocence was killed, my trust was taken, and my voice was silenced. I reclaimed my voice more then a decade ago and have encouraged so many others to do the same.With that same voice I confronted and forgave two men who showed me early on in life that evil exists and many tell me they don’t deserve my forgiveness. It was easier to forgive them then ever trust another man since both these men showed me at a young age what can happen when you do. For the longest time there was only one man in my life I did trust and that has been my father. In four days the only other man I have come to trust will become my husband. It feels like it was just yesterday I was running away from another relationship because of fear and trust. I finally stopped running when I met David. Fear was replaced with feeling so safe and respected and suddenly I found myself only fearing that I would lose him. Unable to trust any men changed to trusting him with my life. Instead of wanting to run away from him I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. For so much of my life I have felt so alone in so many ways and I feared for years I would spend the rest of my life alone. In four days that will all change when I start this new chapter of my life not alone but standing across from the best thing that ever happened to me.
August 5, 2003 9:15pm (I wrote this in my journal 10 years ago that I published in my first book Stolen Innocence)
I often find myself wondering what my life will be like in ten years. I hold on to my dreams of getting my master’s in social work and being a mom. I wait for the day when I won’t feel like I am constantly living in my past. I want to hold on to the good memories, but I often find myself caught up in the abuse that has taken so much from me. -Stolen Innocence pg. 204
August 5, 2013 11:15pm
A decade ago I wondered what my life would be like in ten years. Never could I imagined as I wrote that ten years later I would be getting married that same week. I waited for the day I didn’t constantly feel like I am living in my past and how I later described in my journal how seeing my cousin that week at our annual beach picnic brings up so many painful memories. Here I am ten years later and I was feet away from him at our annual beach picnic yesterday and seeing him doesn’t bother me at all. Ten years ago that seemed impossible. I would be a mess the rest of the day flooded with flashbacks of him and nightmares at night. I’ve come a long way from that high school girl that wrote that a decade ago and yet I remember it like it was yesterday. It is amazing how much my life has changed since then. Never could of imagined I would be where I am today.
Taken out of my 2nd book Living for Today from 2009
“I have failed to find a relationship with someone who has a relationship with God. So I have decided to leave this in God’s hands, knowing He will lead the right person to me. At some point our paths will cross. I no longer live with the fear of being alone the rest of my life. I have faith that the right man is out there. He will respect and support me for who I am, and I can give my trust to him. Someday my dad will walk me down the aisle, and at the end of that aisle will be a man who I am in love with, has earned my trust, and is ready to spend the rest of his life with me. My future has already been written. The only person who holds the answers to what lies ahead is God. He holds the keys that will open the doors to my future. My vision of the future is bright. I know God is right here with me every day.”- Living for Today
God opened that door and lead me to the man He choose for me. Now I am about to start a new chapter of my life that I am so excited and thrilled for. He makes me so happy. At the same time I face new obstacles that were the farthest thing from my mind a decade ago. I saved myself for marriage. Giving myself away to the one and only person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Which means my only experience with sex was being repeatedly raped as a child. Nothing positive to compare it to. So you can imagine what that does to me. My biggest prayer the past year is asking God to make this a wonderful experience for me and not a painful reminder. For every bride this is suppose to be one of the best days of our life. I don’t want the best day of my life to come with being reminded of the worst day of my 28 years of life.
I know on Saturday I will be so caught up in the day and night of excitement, joy, dancing, socializing with all my guests, etc. that I won’t be thinking about any of this because I am far more excited then worried about being married.
Now thinking ahead 10 years from now wondering where my life will be in 2023 during my 10 year anniversary I think I will be the mother to 8 children and I will look back on this and say to myself, “I had anxiety about that. I had no idea what I was missing out on.” 😉
Whatever happens at my wedding and from that day forward in my marriage I know I am with the person I love, respect, admire, who is faithful, feel safest with, trust, makes me laugh, protects me, and the best thing that ever happened to me.
I can’t wait to turn the page Saturday and start this new chapter of my life as a wife.