The following is a diary entry part of it is published in my first book Stolen Innocence on page 80. I came upon this tonight. This is the portion I did not publish in my first book.
July 25th, 1999 @ 10:30pm
I have been praying to Jesus to help me. I sit here right now looking at myself in the mirror and I can see my aching soul filled with pain. Every time I went to group (Group at the Children’s Advocacy Center) I wanted to cry but I was afraid to cry. Right now I wish someone would hold me and let me cry to them. Cry in their arms. I can’t wait for the day I can look at myself in the mirror and I will know how far I have gone in life and see how happy I am.
Dear Jesus, Can you please hold me tonight. Rock me in your arms and please keep him out of my dreams. Don’t let me have nightmares of him. Please keep me safe.
I can hear the desperation in my words. I haven’t read that since probably 2003 when I began turning my diary into a book. I won’t lie it is sad reading how desperate I was not to be in pain and wanting so badly to cry yet too afraid to show anyone. Showing emotions used to be so hard for me. Now it comes so easy because I realize how healthy it is to let it out. You feel so much better afterwords and your no longer holding those emotions in. I must say my favorite line is the one that says: I can’t wait for the day I can look at myself in the mirror and I will know how far I have gone in life and see how happy I am.
I had enough hope even while in pain to think about the future where I could look back and see how far I have gone in life and how happy I am. I look in the mirror everyday so thankful, blessed, and happy. I know there are so many other young girls and teens out there who are feeling these same words I wrote in a diary over 10 years ago. I can only hope they find the same peace and happiness I found. I wish I could tell all those who suffer it will get better, things will turn around in time. I wish I could go back to the night I wrote that diary entry at 14 and tell myself what I know now.