I had no idea what I was in for that January day 21 years ago. The day I thought he was going to kill me. I looked just like this weeks shy of my 7th birthday playing with two dolls when I looked up and there he was. Fear consumed me. I clutched the dolls in my hands. In a matter of seconds I went from playing behind a doll house to laying on a bed kicking and screaming as he struggled to get my pants off. He threatened to tie me to the bed if I didn’t stop moving. I froze in fear of that happening. Soon his pants were off.
I screamed out in pain begging him to stop, panicking, telling him I can’t breath as his weight crushed me, pleading with him as he ignored me and just made noises I didn’t understand back then as sweat poured down his face. I cried out for my mom and dad even though they were no where near the Hell I was in. My screams would go unanswered. A hand over my mouth trying to shut me up then threatened with a pillow over my face. I thought I was going to die as the tears streamed down my face and onto the bed.
Suddenly he stopped but he wasn’t done and when he went to spread my legs open again I wouldn’t let him as he tried pulling them apart. I didn’t want to feel that all over again. He didn’t lay on top of me this time. Instead he had his arms wrapped around my legs and began having oral sex with me. I knew what to expect he had done it before and I always did what he said and didn’t move. It wasn’t painful and I always remembered it as just feeling weird. He had me do things to him. Things at nearly 7 that didn’t make sense to me. Crying through it all he just kept looking down at me and smiling. I didn’t understand why he was hurting me, why he was smiling at me when he was causing me pain. It was so confusing to my young mind. Over and over I told myself I was a bad girl I did something to deserve this. He warned me he would come get me in the night if I told anyone telling me I know where you live. When I saw the blood in my underwear guilt consumed me and I thought I was going to be in trouble. I thought I did something wrong.
So many nights for so many years I feared going to bed at night thinking he was coming for me. Thinking he was under my bed or in my closet waiting for me when I went to bed.
He killed my innocence, he stole my trust, he took my virginity, he made me fear the world I lived in, he silenced my voice, he gave me memories I wish I didn’t remember.
I reclaimed my voice, I learned to trust again, I’m not afraid of him, I forgave this man, I give hope to those who have none, I’m fighting for a law across America so no other child has to endure what I did that day, and my mind still takes me back there to that room every January with the memories I wish I didn’t remember.