Going Back to a Closed Door

Going Back to a Closed Door

-Erin Merryn-

My trust and innocence you took that night
It was the only time I didn’t put of a fight
I woke up to your hands in the wrong place
My heart began to race.

I remember being stuck in the closet with you like it was yesterday
I stayed silent and listened to what you had to say
Your hands in places they didn’t belong.
You knew what you were doing was wrong.

You guided me in the darkness to a crawl space
I’m just glad I could not see your face.
Crawling on my hands and knees
Suddenly your on top of me ignoring my pleas.

I watch you lock the bathroom door
Coming after me because you wanted more.
Pushing your body on me in the shower
What seemed to be a never ending hour.

We just got done eating Thanksgiving dinner
You continued the behavior of a sinner.
When you came in and turned off the light
You knew what you were about to do was not right.

Trapped on a couch with you on top
I begged you to stop
You were being rough
Trying to force me to touch your stuff

You held me down on your bed.
My innocence by then was already dead.
With your hands touching my private place
I hated the look I saw in your face.

In a dark walk-in closet your legs wrapped around mine
It seemed like someone had just stopped time
Both your hands touching me down there
It was the secret you always told me I couldn’t share.

Your on top of me in the dark on a bean bag chair
You moan as I tell you to stop but you don’t seem to care
Your telling me I am tight
As I put up a fight.

You were gentle once when touching me and it felt good
The way our bodies were created it should.
Shame consumed me when you made it feel this way
Anger came over me knowing this was not okay.

Christmas Eve you chased me through bedrooms then closed the door.
My heart raced as I watched you walk across the floor.
I stood by the window looking up to a full bright moon.
Praying whatever you were about to do would end soon.

“Erin can just sit on my lap,” is what you said.
You touched me like you were alone with me on a bed.
Slipping your hands down my pants and underwear
It was moments like this I could not bear.

I stood staring out the sliding glass door
When you entered the room it was like an awful daily chore
With one of your hands on my chest the other down there
I began to cry but you didn’t care

You stalked me through a relative’s house
I hid quiet as a mouse
All I could do was pray
It was the only time I got away.

Hiding in a dark basement hoping you wouldn’t find me
That didn’t matter you didn’t need the lights to see.
Suddenly your heavy hot breathing is against my ear.
A sound I always did fear.

The night you appeared at the bedroom door.
An image I have seen too many times before.
Fighting to get you off of me
Begging you to set me free.

Soon began a house chase
Eventually you were back on top of me smiling in my face.
Moving on me up and down
Your heavy breathing was the only sound.

Pulling your hands through my hair
In that moment I was saying a prayer
Forcing my hand down on your junk
You were more then just a sick teenage punk.

I hated being with you alone.
With you on top of me and hearing you moan
You never stopped until you got me wet
It is something I will never forget.

There were a few times you almost got caught.
I often wonder what they would of thought.
Maybe then they would believe me
And no longer kick us out of this family tree.

The day came when you were turned in
For your sick evil sin.
You got off way too light
For crimes where you said I was tight.

From the very start
I held onto an angry and bitter heart.
Hatred for you consumed me
Rage in a letter you would one day see.

Finally you apologized
Those final words in a letter I’ve memorized
Forgiveness took me time
After all this was a serious crime.

I learned to forgive
It has allowed me to continue to live.
Forgive does not mean forget
And I am not done with this poem yet

You know what you took.
That I went on to turn into a book.
My innocence is what you killed.
New memories I’ve learned to build.

I’ve shared my story on the biggest stage.
Sharing courage, strength, forgiveness, and letting go of rage.
The voice you once silenced is being heard
I am soaring free like a bird.

I’ve often wondered if you have taken a look
Inside either book.
You would be the only one to know what I left out.
The one thing I have left to shout.

You might wonder why I didn’t share
Or maybe you really don’t care
It’s eaten me up all these years
Just thinking about it brings shame, guilt, and tears.

In order for me to ever trust
Letting this out is a must.
I don’t know if talking will do the trick.
Thinking about it just makes me sick.

Don’t think I have forgotten
Because that was pretty rotten.
You wanted absolute control and power
That I’m still trying to scrub away in the shower.

Because of you I fear men
Even now and then.
When friends ever asked me how far have I gone with a guy
It almost always makes me want to cry.

I am so afraid of betrayal
Which is why most my relationships fail.
In every relationship I feel dirty and sick inside
Like I am on some awful carnival ride.

This painful journey with you began when I was eleven
Where I often wished I would just go to heaven.
I feel like I am going back to open a closed door
And I am scared because I don’t know what is in store.

I thought forgiving you would be the hardest choice
That led to me finding my voice.
I now have a decision to make
I ask myself what is at stake?