I use words in my second book to describe who that little girl I once was. A little girl I avoided with an eating disorder for 3 1/2 years when she began to show herself to me at 19. I had just closed one door to my past when I reached a healing place through the abuse my cousin put me through. Not too long after that a past I felt was tucked away forever the one secret I thought I would carry to my grave began to haunt me. It was not the image of the happy 3 and 4 year old in the first two pictures, but the image of the girl in the third picture. Those eyes hold a story. A story she would carry for 15 years in silence. That picture of all pictures I own is the one that screams out to me the most. I can see the confusion, I can see the emptiness and pain in her eyes, and I know the saddness she is carrying. I would give anything if just for one day it were possible for the grown woman I have become could step into that image and take care of her, hold her, carry her pain, and let her know one day her voice would be heard by millions.
I used to feel so much anger and hatred when she showed herself to me. Not at her but the monster that locked her behind doors. She would tug at my heart for me to recognize her and I would just shut her out. I finally realized she was not leaving and she needed to be saved. I needed to let her voice be heard. After allowing that child to show herself I released so much pain tucked away and allowed myself to grieve for what evil had done. I never imagined realeasing her would release so much in me. I was no longer trapped in an eating disorder. I was no longer caught up in haunting past memories but instead giving her to God and keeping her memory alive through my voice. Her memories remain and her tears she was told not to show, flow now out of the woman she became because Satan no longer has his grip on her. In the end she rose above evil.
Her memory lives on through my voice.