Your Not Walking In My Shoes!

Don’t tell me to give it to God, lean on God, or where I need to be with God. The same way I don’t tell people in my books that they need to forgive I only share what it did for me. I appreciate the prayers because I believe in the power of prayer but right now I am at a place where I am angry with God. So don’t tell me where I should be because you are not walking in my shoes. You don’t know the physical and emotional pain that has been running through me the past 10 days.

I am going to give you an example that I describe in both my books. As a kid who was sexually abused some of my closest friends could not understand what the trauma did to me because they did not experience it. The ones that did understand were the girls I met along the way in places like the Children’s Advocacy Center. Which is why I tell people you cannot say you understand when someone who has been sexually abused and raped unless you have lived through it.

That same statement goes for people like myself who suffer from seizures. Something that never affected my life until nearly 3 years ago. The same way I wouldn’t tell a parent whose child was killed, someone who is suffering from cancer, or had their spouse cheat on them that I understand because I don’t understand I have not been in those situations. Many of you may remember my blog post back from this summer when I met with Kelly and Brent King the parents of Chelsea King whose life was taken by an evil man. While I offered my prayers and let the Kings know I was praying for them I did not at any time tell them where they need to be with God. Never telling them give this pain to God, lean on God, get angry with God. That was not my place that is between them and God. While my prayers might have been for God to comfort them in their grief, heal their aching hearts, and give them joy back in their life. I never at anytime told them how to handle their relationship with God after this tragedy because I after all am not the ones walking in their shoes. Everyone has their own relationship with God and everyone is at different places in their life with God. Everyone who has read my books knows how much I have turned to Him in my life through all the trials and heartaches I have faced and would not be the person I am without him. However right now I am angry with him and guess what I am HUMAN and allowed to be angry with him. I know a lot of people that I know who have had a piece of cake life thus far who don’t even believe in Him. It is not my place to judge but what I can say is through all the trauma and trials dumped on me in my life I never stopped believing in Him. Many people who have suffered the way I have would of walked away a long time ago I never have I’m just very angry right now. If God were standing here at this very moment and I mean physically standing here you know what I would do I would pound my fists into his chest and ask why? why? why?  I have forgiven my enemies just as He calls us to do, I have found my purpose through Him and heard Him call me to be a voice for the voiceless and go after protecting His children on this earth from the evil that exists. So why aren’t you protecting me from myself. My own mind that he has control over. He has the power to heal and I cannot tell you how many times I have cried out to Him to heal this Epilepsy. The same way I cried out to Him as a child when I was being molested.

The same way I describe in detail through my words in my books of the sexual abuse I endured you truly cannot understand unless you yourself have been sexually abused and raped the trauma it brings to you and a lifetime of healing that comes with it.

The same goes for dealing with seizures. You have no idea the trauma your body and mind physically and emotionally goes through when it has been violently shaking. The physical pain is horrible for days and you mentally feel exhausted for days. There is so much fear associated with seizures because they can come when you least expect it. The horrible sensation of an aura that comes right before you are about to lose all control. It is the utter most helpless feeling in the world knowing your about to have absolutely no control over what is about to happen and the terrible panic attacks that come after it. Unless you have suffered a seizure you don’t know what I am describing. To feel like every muscle in your body has been beaten on.

What many people don’t understand is I cannot even deal with the normal fear and confusion that comes after having a seizure because I am dealing with terrible side effects from a seizure drug that went from 500mgs to 2500mgs. The dark thoughts that have consumed me, the reason I have had no motivation to do anything, the anxiety and depression that fills me. I know it is coming from this powerful drug and yet I have to put it in my body to control myself from having another seizure.

I have taken this directly off the website for the medication I am on. side effects occur when using Keppra:

Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); abnormal thoughts; behavioral changes (eg, aggression, agitation, anger, anxiety, apathy, depression, hostility); dark urine; decreased coordination; extreme dizziness, drowsiness, tiredness, or weakness; fever, chills, or persistent sore throat; hallucinations; memory loss; mental or mood changes, muscle or neck pain; new or worsening seizures; suicidal thoughts or attempts; unusual bruising or bleeding; vision changes; yellowing of the skin or eyes.

For nearly 3 years I have put this drug into my body but at such a small dosage of 500mgs. I am now at a heavy dosage of 2500mgs and the side effects have taken over me. I feel as if I have left my body. The woman that had so much drive, passion, energy, strength, and courage has disappeared. Instead all I think about is sleeping or if I should get out of my pajamas today and fighting off dark thoughts and anxiety. The worst part about it is knowing this is not right, this is not me, and asking myself where did I go. I feel paralyzed in my own body. 11 days ago I was waking up wondering how am I going to make a difference in the world today. For the past 10 days I have been waking up wondering should I get out of bed. Which is why I posted this song on my facebook yesterday. Before the Morning

So please don’t tell me where I need to be with God. Your not walking in my shoes. You are not fighting off the darkness of terrible side effects of a powerful drug. Your not waiting by the phone for your doctor to call you back before you go out of your mind.

Finally count your blessings because some of you don’t realize how good you really do have it and how quickly it can all be taken from you in the blink of an eye!


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