My biggest enemy is not the man that raped me as a child nor is it the relative that molested me for a year and a half. While I have the face of the man that raped me and the relative that molested me burned into my memory I don’t know what my biggest enemy looks like. My only way to describe my biggest enemy is darkness. My biggest enemy has used his power to show himself to me through the man that raped me as a child and the cousin that molested me. He is real and enjoys watching humans suffer and tempting people to sin. He tests peoples Faith in God, he causes people who don’t know God to turn evil with his temptations. He tries to lure those with Faith into abandoning it by showing himself through bad things. Do you know who I am talking about? If not I am talking about Satan.
If Satan can wear us down, test our faith, discourage us from God, we may fall, we may doubt, live in fear, we may give up. I feel the biggest war in this world we live in is against Satan. As I describe sexual abuse as a silent epidemic in the shadows of darkness behind that evil is Satan. I feel those who do not know God are those that would be tempted by Satan.
I picture Satan sitting back and laughing when people are being exposed to his evil. Satan showed himself to me through the eyes of two evil men. In the process of exposing me to that evil he has tried to lure me away from God and has come close but never succeeded.
When I finally broke free and found my voice after years of shame from being abused by my cousin I began speaking public about it, went forward with my first book Stolen Innocence 5 years ago. I suddenly went from suffering to talking about forgiveness and exposing Satan’s actions. I can be completely wrong but I feel Satan came after me trying to shut me up from exposing him and showing people a path towards forgiveness and God. In doing so I feel he put another dark chapter from my past in front of me. Taunting me with it! Chapter 4 out of my new book. As I described I tried to run from it, avoid it, and turned down a wrong path to escape it that led to a 3 year battle with an eating disorder. I was ashamed that I could not bring myself to talk about it. I feared being judged. I was afraid of what might happen to me emotionally if I allowed myself to go there. I feared having to go back and face what I left behind closed doors because I knew it wasn’t pretty and the evil I would have to face again.
I would lay in bed at night in my college dorm or apartment and ask God “Am I a hypocrite for flying across America talking about shattering the silence of sexual abuse yet I’m still carrying silence?”
One night while in my college apartment I was up late. I could not sleep and decided I need to write about this. I need to let it out. I had reached a road block in writing my 2nd book. I could not put anymore words to what I wanted to get across because I knew I had a chapter I needed to return to, but how. That night I opened up a blank document on my computer and began typing out what is the 4th chapter on page 60 of my 2nd book. It starts off saying, “The roller coaster of emotions I am feeling right now as I am about to knock down a door I have kept closed for so many years makes me feel so vulnerable.” I was about to expose Satan and it terrified me. I went back and added a few pages to chapter 4 when I came to recognize why I turned to an eating disorder as my escape from that chapter. I remember clearly writing this chapter 2 years ago. That night my best friend in college Niki who lived in my apartment with me noticed I was drinking my 3rd cup of coffee. She told me she didn’t know how I could go to bed after drinking that many cups however I knew I would not be going to bed anytime soon. I found myself that night having to walk outside around the block of my apartment complex with my dog Chance just to take in the fresh air and remind myself where I was. I later ended up in the bathroom in tears crying out to God to take this pain from me. I cried my heart out into my pillow that night and reached up to God to give me the strength to tell someone. Never did I imagine that night two years ago would now be in published for all to see. Exposing Satan!
I went back and forth with myself on if I should publish that chapter or if that should stay between God and I. I finally realized if I did not share that chapter I could not go forward with the book and walk away from it. In a sense I felt I would give up and once again giving Satan the upper hand not exposing his evil. God gave me that push I felt him embrace me and telling me to go for it do not silence it. Little did I know what God had in store for me and the chapters that would follow in the months and year to come once it was exposed. I feel it was God’s test to see if I would hold on and trust him. My relationship with God grew incredibly in the past two years. I do not know what I would do without him in my life and I honestly do not know what people who do not know him do to survive. He is the one person you can turn to at any given moment that knows everything about you, won’t judge you, and will help you if you allow him and have faith in him.
With the release of my 2nd book Living For Today it allows anyone who wants to see how I exposed Satan and followed God’s path. However I have felt in the past month I am being tested. I’ve tried to analyze it and figure it out if it is Satan trying to shut me up because I am exposing people to God and putting him to shame, or if it is God seeing if I trust him. A great deal of fear as come over me. The words that were once just typed out on a blank document on my computer of how I conquered evil and took God’s hand are now there for anyone to read. In a sense I am showing people a path towards God and his amazing grace and forgiveness and I feel as if Satan is trying to attack me and shut me up.
I am dealing with this fear of crossing paths with Richard the coward I describe in chapter 4. I recently learned he is living just two miles down the road from me. I pass the street he lives on every day on my way to work. I fear to look at the cars next to me at a red light in my town afraid one of these times I will look over and see him. I worry I will cross paths with him grocery shopping, at the bank, filling my car with gas, or at a restaurant. I still feel he is a very dangerous man who does not know God. A God I pray to every night to go show himself to Richard and save Richard from the evil he wrestles with. I recently learned he spent all summer in jail, I also know he is saying some very untruthful things to cover his sick tracks including the fact that he is point at other family members and saying they are the ones who abused Ashley and I.
I’ve got God right by my side and feel I have shown Satan I am too strong for him. However I feel Satan still has a tight grip on Richard’s life and fear what he might tempt Richard with. There is fear now that I have exposed him he will pop up in my life again. Someone recently told me I need to move out of town but a part of me feels if I were to do that then I am allowing Satan to drive me out of here and I don’t want to give him the upper hand because I trust in God to protect me. I want to be the one driving Satan out of here and not allow him to shut me up in my crusade to expose his evil to protect others from suffering. I guess this is part of taking on the responsibility I have given myself it comes with a cost when you expose evil. I feel this is just a test and it too shall pass. I just hope it passes quickly. Because sooner or later Satan is going to realize I am too strong for him and will not break. I guess I need to live by the words below.
“10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.” (Ephesians 6:10-18)